I am deeply touched by the love shown for the female energy/representation of the Blessed Mother. Whether that derives from long lost roots to Matriarchal religions, or forgotten connections to an ideal balance of acknowledging the male and female in spirit, there is something about that essence that will always touch me. I think that many converted people (some w/o choice) adapted to Catholicism in centuries past, by seeing The Blessed Mother, as a symbol for unspoken fertility, feminimity, nature, strength and womanhood.

I realize this train of thought, hardly fits into what is considered acceptable Catholicism. Even though, at this time in my life, I cannot bring myself to attend Catholic services, I am still and always will be Catholic.

The betrayal that keeps me from participating is the church's condoning of criminal acts upon the innocent. Harboring felons. Exposing more children to predators. The Pedophile Priest Exposure has caused irreparable damage. UNFORGIVEABLE. Criminal acts took place, and upon disclosure, the church did not step up and open records to police investigations, and instead, made things worse for the victims and investigators. The Cardinal for LOS ANGELES is not being open, and holds more secrets than anyone will ever be allowed to know.

When I was a child in the 60's & 70's, attending St. Joseph School...it was a different time. Nuns were suddenly allowed to dress in more modern clothing...the Mass changed from Latin to English. Songbooks and Missalettes replaced the prayer books we used to carry into Mass, wearing our veils or beanies. Suddenly the Mass was accessible, and we were encouraged to participate in song and word. Little guitar groups up at the Altar in the 70's (to the shock of older parish members).Regular people giving the readings. Boys still were the lucky ones that got to participate on the Altar. I wanted so badly to be that ...special...to take part in the Holiest part of the Mass...Helping to prepare the Sacrament of Communion.(Message was: Girls weren't good enough. Original sin and all that) My experiences on the Altar would be going with my Mom on Fridays, when it was her turn to serve: Altar duty...I would follow her along as she would clean out the wax from the votive candle holders, wipe down the kneelers, dust the Altar, change the flowers, etc. and each time we would happen to cross the heart of the church, the Altar, we would quickly kneel and make the sign of the cross, out of respect for being in the quiet sanctuary and sacred place. I enjoyed the mystery of seeing what was behind the Altar...in the rooms beyond. As children, we would run when Msgnr. Patrick Redahan would patrol the playground, to greet him, hug him, and try to win his Irish smile or laughter. Priests were the closest one could get to God. To have one over for dinner was an honor to the family. To have one speak to you, as a child?, was an unbelievable thrill. That trust, that open trust, was such a precious gift...parents handed their children over without question to these men of God. The initial crime may have been with the perverted child abused masquerading as a priest, but the larger, unforgiveable crime was the HUGE Global presence of the Powerful Catholic Church keeping these men hidden, protected and reassigned to other unsuspecting parishes. THAT WAS A CRIMINAL ACT.

My parents were in St. Joseph Parish for over 50 years. I was married in that church. My oldest son was baptized there...The Church has changed over the years--literally the structure and neighborhood. Where, in my day, I was one of the few "brown" kids, now, the parish is mostly all Latin. On Ash Weds. This year, they had ashes distributed every hour on the hour in Spanish...
My last attempt at attending, and I did not understand the language. The Convent, where all the old nuns has still lived that taught me years ago, was taken over by the parish and the nuns shipped off, so the convent could be used for AA Meeting rooms, etc, for the huge parish now. THAT is a sad statement in itself--that the women who gave their lives to the Church were booted out of there home convent.

My youngest son is 13 now. When I last tried to attend Mass, I realized I would never allow him to be an Alter server, because of the risk involved. The danger of possible inappropriate behaviour. The very sight of the Priest, greeting the parishioners as they exit church, makes me uncomfortable...A Man who can't marry--so how can he counsel couples? A man who has no children...so why is he touching my kids head? He needs are provided by the Church: his car, food, lodging while deacons, Eucharistic ministers, and other assorted Lay People fill in for duties...

Women being secondary in the Church has been a disappointment. Men...good men...who want to be Priests and yet, are called to be family men as well, should be allowed to be Married Priests.

What I love about the Catholic Mass, is the powerful, spiritual, deep mystery of it all.
What saddens me about the Catholic Church is the alienation it harbors against the (deemed) unloved. (Gays, Lesbians, divorced, etc)
The saddest thing the Catholic Church did to me? Nullified my Marriage after a divorce. Took away its existence as a Sacrament. In my heart, it was a Sacrament, even though the marriage ended...how can a church take away something holy? To have had my "case" reviewed by a Catholic Tribunal and judged was simply....medieval.

The biggest stand I ever took. I walked out during a sermon, when the priest was saying all homosexuals and Lesbians were going to hell. (Really) Ironically, this same priest was later named as a molester of boys.

AND even with all this...
When people ask...
I am still Catholic...

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