SOF: The Spirituality of Parenting | Your Voices, Your Stories [Speaking of Faith® from American Public Media]

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More and more people in our time are disconnected from religious institutions, at least for part of their lives. Others are religious and find themselves creating a family with a spouse from another tradition or no tradition at all. And the experience of parenting tends to raise spiritual questions anew. We sense that there is a spiritual aspect to our children's natures and wonder how to support and nurture that.

We asked for your stories and the spiritual questions that parenting — or grandparenting — raises. Below are few of these stories. You can listen to a selected few of these voices here or tell us your own experience.

Tina Parish Spring, TX None	My own spiritual journey has greaty influenced my decision to raise my children with morals and spirituality while avoiding religious indoctrination. I am the daughter of loving parents who raised me in a conservative evangelical church. My father is a minister and we pratically lived at the church. I believed every story in the Bible was a literal one and devoted myself to pursuing a relationship with God. After serving as a missionary for several years, I entered a crisis of faith that completely devestated me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I have been on the path of recovery and spiritual detoxification for the last ten years. I decided early on that I would not subject my children to dogmatic religion and chose instead to let their natural spirituality and wonder grow in an environment of questioning and meaningful discussions. I have found they are quite capable of creating their own sense of meaning from the great stories in literature, sacred myths, and meaningful discussions about the questions mankind has been asking for centuries. It is interesting to see their ideas evolve and change as they grow and experience more of life's complexities. I feel religion is quite destructive when it is taught in a literal sense. It has been a powerful experience for me to witness my children's ability to have faith in themselves and to not be afraid of the mysteries of life. They need to develop their own sense meaning to the universe and that creative ability will serve them well throughout their lives. I believe our children need a living, evolving philosophy of life as opposed to a dead revelation from a past sacred writing. I am letting my kids derive wisdom from a variety of sources, while respecting their innate spirituality.
Jean Greenwood Minneapolis, MN Presbyterian	My 36 year old son, adopted at 5 months, has schizophrenia, and lives in a group home. As I have learned to simply be with him, to be present silently, to be patient, I have come to see it as a spiritual practice. Often we go for a walk and then to a restaurant. When he does not wish to speak, it becomes a time of centering and meditation, holding him in God’s loving presence, sending him my love. It brings me to a deeper place of knowing, and experiencing all that life is. I find that grace grows in this fertile space, and I am reminded, over and over again, that I can rest in God, letting go of the plans and strategies, the hopes and dreams. And I listen to my heart, to my son’s presence, and seek to grow in the art of knowing when to speak and when to be silent. Sometimes an inspiration comes to me and I offer it forthrightly, and my son often listens, perhaps sensing that it comes from a sincere and profound place. His responses, verbal and nonverbal, teach me to be more in tune with him. And we do speak about spiritual things, from time to time, when he initiates and when he responds to a question or comment I have offered. He wonders about death, wonders if bad things are going to happen to him, contemplates the afterlife, questions God’s existence or nature, and once in a while offers profound insights into life. And I am blessed, in a way I could never have anticipated.
Mary Vujovich Eagan, MN Presbyterian	I have two boys 11 and 14, and divorced from their father. While both of us are active and involved parents, I am the only parent actively involved in a church. Thus, it appears all of the questions of faith (or lack of questions of faith) are my concern. I insist upon taking my boys to church each Sunday I attend (rarely miss), and try to instill in them a knowledge of our denomination and faith (Presbyterian Christianity), as well as sharing my personal read on issues addressing our Presbyterian denomination as well as more general issues of faith. On our 20-minute drive to church I strive to pull out at least one issue from the Sunday paper (usually current events) or from the Saturday Tribune's page about church/faith issues to discuss with them. Sometimes, I simply ask them to tell me what they like or don't like about church (I get an earful about the latter). Occasionally, I'll just simply ask them if they believe in God, and why. I can't say either of them has a dynamic, visible or strong faith in God, but I have taught them to question what they believe, test it out, research it, listen to others, and THEN form some conclusions about belief. I try to model my openness to changing my mind at this point in my life, and to hearing a new viewpoint. But issues of spirituality, prayer, Jesus and God are very difficult to discuss, and despite my regular attempts, I feel I've done an inadequate job. Still . . . I try. My spiritual life, although rife with uncertainties and questions, is very important to me. I want it to be important to my boys, as well. Right now, they're not questioning much nor appearing to find spirituality very important. I intend to keep the subject in front of them, and then will hope and pray they'll continue on.
Amy Sparks South Haven, MN Lutheran	Intuitively my children have a closer conncection to God and/or spirituality then most people I have met, including my husband and myself. My son Sage is six years old and suprises me with his candid and honest statements. The following are some specific examples of this. I remember driving down the highway and out of the blue he says, "Mom, God is organic." I chuckled to myself and asked him why he said that. He matter of factly replied, "Humans didn't create him." Also he has witnessed a lot of death in his young life, and the year we had to attend 4 funerals in 3 months he was three years old. I searched for ways to explain my and other family members' sadness. He accepted and embraced the idea of their passing becoming a journey to a spirit world, reuniting with others, living on as a star or butterfly or a sunset. My daughter who is two, passed a tree stump I barely noticed, stopped and waved goodbye to the tree. I can only imagine she saw "something" I could not. My husband and I have struggled with questions concerning teaching our children about religion and spirituality. We have yet to find a church that we feel comfortable in. I think we both have a bit of family guilt in not taking our children to church weekly. We try to read and discuss different types of Religion with our oldest child, such as Buddhism, and we are open to the questions and discussions he has about Jesus, God, death and spirituality in general. We are still on a journey to find a place of worship that suits us.
William Hodapp Eagan, MN Catholic	We are struggling with the qestion of authority, responsibility, and relationships with a grandaughter. She is currently living with a boyfriend and our dilemma is whether or not to share with her our concerns about this type of relationship since it is contrary to our belief about the sanctity of marriage and the need to live within the teachings of our church. We have not yet decided to discuss this issue with her, but will have to make up our minds shortly. We hope to be guided by teachings of our faith (Catholic) and through discussions with our pastor. We realize that we risk injuring our relationship with our grandaughter and possibly with our daughter. We must determine if our felt responsibility is sufficiently great that it would override the possible cost if the relationship is injured.
Curt Larson Hudson, WI Lutheran	I have been facilitating a mutual self-help parent support group called "Parents Who Care" in my hometown for 16 years. It is secular in nature because we receive public support. In discussion, I share that I believe that there is a portion of all people's psche for spirituality and that if we, as parents, don't choose how to influence that in our children, we are at the risk of someone else introducing beliefs that are contrary to our community such as Satanism, etc. We must be responsible for influencing in the direction of our beliefs especially when children are small. I'm not afraid to tell participants that I choose Christianity for my spirituality, but I don't demand that they follow my belief system, only that they don't neglect their children, but rather, choose wisely.
Jennifer Posey Center City, MN None	My daughter drew a picture when she was 5. In it was a little stick figure person with tears and a sad face. Above it was a large cloudlike figure that looked angry and the caption for the picture stated "Gad is runing my life (God is ruining my life)". When I asked her what it was about she explained that she was angry that she couldn't get a new bike. The bike she had she didn't like because she fell down on it. I did my best to explain to her that God guides her through her journey of life and will point the way if you pay attention but he doesn't control wether or not she gets a new bike. It wasn't very easy to explain this to a 5 year old. I do my best to explain to my children what I understand about spirit but it's such an abstract idea that it can be difficult.
Jackie Haviland Minneapolis, MN Atheist	As an atheist, I had the strange experience of speaking with a Christian co-worker about raising children, and he said something that implied that his children were benefiting from a moral upbringing and that mine weren't. This lead me to lots of thinking about how to communicate my morality to my children, and it prompted me to work on and write down my own 10 commandments. I believe that children are not nearly as spooked by the big questions of life, as we all assume they are. They are interested in death, they want to talk about it, and experience it in safe ways. Children also enjoy discussing the big moral issues of any age: environmentalism, justice, sin/or doing harm to others, punishment, etc.
Bethany Saltman Phoenicia, NY Zen Buddhist	I met my husband at a Zen Buddhist monastery here in the Catskills ten years ago when we were both young and zealous practitioners. We deeply considered devoting our lives to the dharma by becoming monastics, and lived at the monastery for two years. We finally decided to leave and have a child instead. Azalea Kai is now 9 months old and I am looking at myself, her, and my practice in a new light. What does it really mean to be humble, to be a true nobody, as we say in Zen, a true person of no rank? Becoming a mom in a culture that offers little support, little recognition and lots of blame is a great way to discover how to let go of wanting affirmation! Serving my daughter, while very different from formal training, is teaching me about myself in a naturalistic way that monasticism might be able to do after many many years, but in such a different way. But this is the fast track to dropping a lot of my need to look good, to be important in the eyes of others - other adults, that is.
Christy Lauer Plocatello, ID Raised in organized religion, has developed a personal path from many different traditions.	While both my husband and I feel a spiritual connectedness to a higher power, we both feel disenfranchised from organized religions. We had discussions with both our kids about their feelings about God, his role in their lives, the Bible and other religious documents, and developing their own morals, ethics and values based upon their self analysis. Both our kids, ages 16 and 13, pray, follow the basic biblical teachings, and are strong in their personal beliefs. I feel our openness to discussing our beliefs and feelings as well as hearing and accepting their beliefs, has allowed them the chance to question, reflect, and develop their own spiritual base.
Nandini Pandya Milford, CT Unitarian Universalist	My husband and I come from non-observant Hindu families in India. It would be fair to say that I had never really given much thought to religion or spirituality, certainly not in terms of if and how we would impart our religious values to our children (they are now 18 and 14). When the kids were of elementary school age, I joined with some local Hindu parents in running a Sunday school. Over the ensuing three to four years I gradually became quite disenchanted with it. It seemed to me there was too much emphasis on rote recitation of chants and ritual observances, and conflation of religious and cultural values. For instance when one teenager asked, "where does it say in our religion that dating is bad?," the response was, "this is your age to study." Hardly the stuff of good parenting, the less so when surrounded by the American cultural juggernaut. Worst of all, this Sunday school had no component for the adults — it was as if the adults had everything all figured out and they couldn't possibly need more. While talking about this experience with an acquaintance, I described what I was searching for: a community of engaged individuals where I would not have to convert to anything or forsake anything; a community that believed in kindness and above all else, social justice. She suggested I check out Unitarian Universalism. Serendipitously, the nearest UU church is only a 10 minute drive away. I started going to this church in February 2000. It is now over six years and I have never looked back. It would be fair to say that my kids and I have found our "village": people who share the same values and are engaged in finding humane answers to the issues of here and now; people who are open and welcoming to newcomers. Seemingly overnight, I acquired like-minded friends who look out for each other's kids, and my kids found peers with whom they feel they totally belong. Most important, my kids have found a community of peers and elders from whom they learn a lot — about spirituality, yes, but also about social justice, environmental issues, prejudice, and of course, politics. It would be fair to say that I have become a more spiritual, connected and centered human being as a result of joining this community. And while my kids have not turned into theists, they too have become centered and connected. Most important they are able to grapple with the questions and articulate their beliefs about faith and spirituality with confidence and clarity.
Amy Bullis Brandon, SD ELCA Lutheran	My husband and I come from two very diverse Christian backgrounds. He is from a Hispanic Pentecostal background and myself from a Midwestern Lutheran upbringing. Our only real struggle has been over the baptism of our child. He insisted that we wait until Isaac was old enough to decide for himself, and I wanted him baptized as an infant. My Spanish just was not up to explaining Lutheran theology to he and his family. Isaac was finally baptized at age three after I found a Lutheran Minister from Columbia that was better able to explain about our Lutheran tradition of infant baptism and the Confirmation process Isaac would later go through to "re-affirm" his baptism. My husband and I are now separated, and he and his family (which includes an aunt and two uncles who are Pentecostal ministers in Guatemala) now agree that having him baptized as a child was appropriate since I am the one who takes him to church and participates in church life with him. I rely on my pastors and my upbringing in the church to guide me as I help Isaac grow in his faith.
Kristy Hom Sierra Vista, AZ No particular faith	Both my husband and I were raised in the Roman Catholic tradition in a cultural sense — we attended Mass, received sacraments, but the faith was not practiced in the home. My parents did not speak of faith, and I had formulated my own spiritual relationship with God before beginning religion classes at the age of 6. I never really sincerely grasped Catholicism as my sole path, though for all of my childhood and teenage years I tried to. My husband also formulated his own spiritual ideas in his growing up years. I think that overall, that occasional, cultural religious structure was enough for us each to form unique spiritual paths of our own while growing up. We each had families that loved and cared for us, and we were both taught to live by The Golden Rule. "Do onto others" was conveyed to us without formally living any specific religious tradition. I truly believe that all faiths are inspired by the same source, and with our children, try to point to the teachings of all faiths that we can. We don't attend any religious services, but together we read the many wonderful books available to children in many faith traditions. We talk about God and divine presence in our lives. We seek family ritual throughout the year, based on practices of different faiths. We have friends belonging to various religious traditions, (and those who don't belong to any tradition) that help us to see their beliefs through their eyes. I admire and sometimes envy our friends who raise their children in a specific religious tradition. I especially admire the security of organized faith that can guide the children and their parents when the usual questions about God come up. The social connection and a group of people practicing the same faith together in community also appeals to me sometimes, for sometimes, I feel we are adrift alone. It is my greatest hope that our children seek an authentic path of their choice, that may involve a single tradition, or combine as many as they need. Or, formulate their own. I do have a couple of ideas I'd like them to understand and consider, though. As they get older, I'd like them to consider that a spiritual path is a journey; ever-evolving and changing, and not simply a means towards an end. I also hope that they perhaps consider that there really is no "end" — just transitions to other ways of being — wonderful, yet ordinary transitions everyone goes through. For now, I try to answer their questions as honestly as I can, and listen to, and encourage their ponderings. It is my hope that an education of all the world's traditions, our family rituals, and our personal living examples will be good enough signposts to guide them.
Dotti Shonkwiler Grand Ledge, MI United Methodist	When I stayed with my son's family following the birth of the second child, I offered short prayers at dinner that related to their two year old: "Dear God. Thank you for the sunshine. Thank you for the flowers we smelled today. Thank you for Mama and Daddy. Goodbye (Amen)." After hearing a similar prayer for a few days, my two-year-old grandchild eagerly volunteered to give the prayer. Her prayers, also, were based on her experiences which varied a bit each day. Her parents began the ritual of mealtime prayers after being lead in this manner by their daughter. Now, her parents often add their contributions in a brief sentence to the family prayer.
Jake Geissinger Alexandria, VA None (Wife is Catholic)	My wife is a fairly devout Catholic while I believe there is no God, so very early on I sort of forced her to recognize that and how it would play out in the raising of our future children, because we both knew we wanted kids. The compromise we came to, which won't really be tested until the children can question it themselves, is that the children will be baptized (it's really important by her standards, and it doesn't really matter by mine) and raised Catholic (going to church, etc.), but if, as they get older, they start to feel it isn't the path they want to follow, they are not expected or forced to follow it. They are allowed to choose their own religion. I believe that religion and spirituality take on virtually infinite forms and that they make the backbone of both personal structure and human society. I don't believe that either of them (religion or spirituality) require a deity or even an end goal. They just require belief in something that transcends the question "Why are we here?" even if the answer is as simple as the one that feeds me, "We are here to love each other."
Judith Boivin Duluth, GA Raised as Roman Catholic	By showing the children how valuable they each are in their own right. Acknowledging their kind of knowing about life from their perspective. Pointing out the wonders and mysteries of the natural world whenever possible. Being a loving and respectful grandparent who does not have a need to force values or beliefs onto the children but rather use what they know, see, experience, and help them make some sense of it. Where do you begin when you are sure that you do not want to pass on to your children the traditional belief system that you were raised in? So many religions are more about dogma, doctrine, do's and don't's and discourage, and at times prevent, coming to the fullness of one's own adult human being.
Sally Livingston Calabasas, CA Group Conscience is my Higher Power	The questions are mostly raised by being in the community and experiencing the materialism (Christmas and Chanukah)and sugar obsession (Easter) associated with with common religious holidays. I find myself addressing questions in response to those prompts. I will read books on the Exodus or about people merging Christianity and Judaism and finding the commonality. They sometimes address, "What is God?", etc. I want to know if my children are feeling an absence by our not having a tangible ritual or icon to which they can direct their spiritual thoughts.
Maria Molinari Oakland, NJ Roman Catholic	I think it is a matter of effort, of taking those moments each day to think creatively and encourage my children to experience their spiritual lives as much as possible. It is so easy to gloss over; these impulses pertain to the invisible and evanescent. It is difficult to compete with the distractions of life. But I try to ask questions to get my children thinking of how their spiritual life has a real presence, that it is an intelligence with which they can understand life and their participation in it. I try to get them to think outside of the basically instinctual and easily accessible. Question examples: Can we change someone's sadness into happiness? Are there many ways to do this or just one? Which one would help the person for a longer period of time? Should some people in the world be sad? How do we encourage spirituality in our children without unduly frightening them, or making them judgmental? How do we develop their sense of connectedness to others through their belief in God? What should we teach children about death? Regarding a specific religion, what would be most useful to me is some comment on how to raise kids in the Roman Catholic faith without creating fear or small-mindedness?
Vivian Houk Little Canada, MN Protestant	How can I best encourage parents to nurture their children's spirituality in the home rather than depend on the church to do it? How can I help them do that? This is an area of intense interest for me. I parented three and am grandparenting three boys now. As a parent I made sure our children had "information" or knowledge about Scripture and the faith we practiced. They prayed the salvation prayer at an early age and I thought the job was done. But, I somehow knew there was more to it than imparting biblical information and truth to them. I have come to believe that children are very spiritually sensitive beings having so recently come from the very hand of God and are more aware of Him in ways we adults have lost. Created in His image, my life should reflect His light and love into the world I am part of. When I name my experiences of God for my grandchildren and name their sightings of Him they have a better chance of staying connected with Him throughout their days on this earth. I have found I can give them words for their experiences. There are sensitive periods for their development spiritually just as there are for their other developmental milestones. My relationship with God will be reflected in my responses to them and my sensitivities to their spiritual needs of the moment. Therefore, it is imperative that my walk with God is an intimate and deep walk which feeds my heart and mind. Out of the depths of those experiences, I will have the resources necessary to nurture my grandsons in ways that I missed in parenting my own children. That is my prayer.
Abigail Gary Glen Rock, NJ Presbyterian	I am a Presbyterian married to a Jewish husband. Because I am practicing my faith and he is not, I got to raise our three boys as Christians. I believe very strongly that in order to make a decision about religion as an adult, kids need to be raised with an organized religion; they don't usually just come to it by themselves. We struggle because I'd like my husband to participate a little more in our church as a role model for my sons. I don't need him to convert, I just need him to actively and enthusiastically encourage the kids' participation and show up occasionally for functions himself. He does come on holidays, but I wish I could get him there once a month for the services. However, it's not nearly as important to him as it is to me, so I don't think it's going to happen. I am very respectful of my husband's family traditions and we make sure we get our boys to their grandparents house for Passover and Hanukkah. I want them to be aware of both sides of their religious backgrounds.
Jennifer Mosher Meriden, CT Orthodox Christianity	I am interested in all and every question about parenting and the spirituality of children and believe that they are always answered slightly differently with each child. Everything from how we talk to children about the "big questions" like death to how we transmit the intangibles — faith, love, a thirst for truth or justice. Parenting (and being parenting) is a relationship — there is never a static prescription for how it is done well, no matter how badly we may want one. Two eternal beings are interacting with each other in an incredibly vulnerable and sensitive period in their lives. How can there be a universally applicable formula for that? My own tradition contains much history and theological insight into that reality, in the Scriptures, in other church writings, in the lives of the saints that could help parents in their journey. But it has rarely been explored, highlighted, or made accessible to them by priests, teachers, or theologians. Some folks are beginning to explore it more — certain schools of religious education, increasing numbers of popular books from many points of view, scholars like Bonnie Miller-McLemore — but it is no way a mainstream conversation. How can it become more mainstream for us to think and interact with our children as spiritual beings? Instead of all the other ways that we tend to think about them, ways that are often unhealthy? Every interaction I have with my children can have spiritual ramifications for them, and for me. Parenting is a vocation that has as much to do with the transfiguration of me as it does with the formation of my children.
Jane Cronkite Holland, MI Christian	I have taught preschool age children for over 35 years. I am a parent of three grown children and recently became a grandparent. I have taught church school and led children's worship often over the years. People frequently do not understand that you really have to have a very clear idea of your own and/or your faith community's theology in order to make stories and beliefs "easy" enough for children. "Easy" is really the wrong word. What you are really doing is reaching into a scriptural narrative or spiritual experience and discovering the most central and profound truth you can. You then distill it into the clearest, most straight-forward and concise language, images, activities. It is difficult and challenging to cut to the core this way. You can not hide behind convoluted arguments or vague platitudes. As you go through this process for and with children, your own faith becomes more honest. When my son was three years old, we were doing prayers at bedtime. He said, "Mama, we're just pretending there is a God, right?" I said, "Well, some people think so, but I think God is real. You can't see Him, but you can feel Him." A few nights later he said, "Mama, I think you are right. I think you can feel God more than you can not see Him." That is not a very complex statement of faith, but many of us are clinging to that very important, basic idea for all we're worth. I question what the role of faith communities should be for young parents and their children. I strongly believe that such a community is important, but I also see a problem with more programming in lives that are already over-programmed. Should Sunday morning be one more day to rush around and put your baby in a nursery? How can young parents and children find spiritual nourishment and service with others without weakening their family unit? Are some faith communities being creative in response to new realties of work and parenting?
Laura Theroux Bear, DE Christian… leaning toward Baptist… but still open to new ideas.	I've had my granddaughter, Sophia (3), since the day she was born. I take her to church with me. She has picked up the concept that Jesus loves kids, God is in heaven, and punch and cookies follow. I have been a "visitor" to churches all of my life, never settling in any particular one. I am concerned that Sophia will have a hard time finding a home church if I remain a Christian gypsy. Neither of my adult kids belong to a church, they just attend every once in a while for whatever reason. I am the only one in my family that goes to church; they call me the "religious one." I always hope that the next one will be the one and I'll get to know the people and have some connection. Until then, I just drive by the next one, check the time it starts and plan to be there next Sunday. I am struck with the awesome responsibility of being accountable to my children and grandchildren as to what I express to them about my belief in God. How much of what I believe to be true or not true will affect what my children believe and what impact will it make on them to decide to join or at least attend a church?
Paul Rozycki Minneapolis, MN I belong to a radical Catholic tradition	I am addressing questions of spirituality as a father through the most natural of ways. My wife and I are committed to nonviolence, simple, joyful living, plenty of loving, and being connected to nature and community. Our faith community, St. Joan of Arc, enriches and replenishes us. Living as though we are connected to all is important. We live "green." I journeyed to Washington, DC in September 2005 to call for U.S. troops out of Iraq. Other times, before the war, we were out protesting with our small children. These, we consider matters of spirituality which we hope to pass on to our children. In my basement I have a very large poster of Gandhi. As a stay-at-home dad, having been raised by a short-tempered father who used abusive language and sometimes practiced physical abuse, I found that I was unable to be the gentle, non-angry father I wanted to be. I raised this issue at an ECFE class, and asked for help. The teacher did some research, and gave me some readings. I guess I was ready for change, and fundamentally got a handle on my anger, and have been a far more gentle and more connected to my children dad. I find that the most important aspects of spirituality, children, and parenting are the questions: Who's spirituality is it? (Is spirituality a deeply personal matter, and if so, how much should I be involved as a parent? Does spirituality develop at a church? Does it develop — or survive — through the spiritual experiences of unconditional love, joyful and simple living, connectedness to nature and other humans? What role can community play in this?
Luh-Hwa Saville Carbondale, IL Confucianism, Taoism, Buddhism not as institutionalized religions but as ways of lives, and Mormonism non-observed at this point, adopted during teen days through parental affiliations	As a parent, my experiencing and addressing questions of spirituality is an ongoing, and in my view a never-ending, process as long I'm alive and capable of interacting with my children. Every waking moment to me, in which I interact with either humans, non-human lives or inorganic surroundings, is an inviting opportunity for experiencing and addressing questions of spirituality, therefore to my children every their awaking moments are great opportunities for learning questions and lessons of spirituality. Personally, I try hard to treat, talk, and chat with my children as equal spiritual beings capable of spiritual learning and growth. By treating them this way, I also try hard to impart to them the idea of respecting other human fellows and life forms as spiritual beings, too. To both myself and my children every awaking moment is a teachable one for spirituality.
Carla Ivison Westport, CT Unitarian Universalist	My children are almost grown now, but when they were young, we joined a Unitarian Universalist church. My husband had come from a liberal Episcopalian family, and I had come from a non-religious Jewish family. We both focused more on personal spirituality than religious dogma or traditions. In the UU church we found acceptance for diversity, and encouragement to develop individual spirituality. My 15-year-old son professes he does not believe in God and then describes the god he could believe in. My 17-year-old daughter just graduated from the senior youth group, where she made a lot of friends based on mutual trust and many shared personal experiences. With all that background, it is still difficult to speak of spiritual realities. I don't know why. I know that children often don't have the words to express how they feel about intangible ideas, such as spirituality. As teenagers, the words they have may carry the implications or identifications of what they don't want to express, and it may still be difficult to find the right words. My question is how to encourage the continued exploration and development of belief, whether the words are right or not? I think discussion would benefit this question rather any book or written paper.
Constance Stannard Coralville, IA Roman Catholic	As a practicing Catholic, I raised my son in the faith. He is now 22, and has followed our family traditions. He is a Knight of Columbus, by his choice, and very spiritual. I think the most important thing in my successfully imparting my faith has come by example; my parents were devout, and we attended Mass, said grace, and treated religion as part of daily life. My husband was not raised with religion, but has participated and come to appreciate the comfort it gives. When our son was born, three months premature, as a twin, we were asked to answer the following: "How hard do you want us to try to save your baby?" Our other son did not, could not, survive. But, despite the fact that we were in Hawaii, far from home and my parish, I could call a priest to help me with this crisis. We have turned to the church many times, for both spiritual and practical help, and they have always been there.
Miriam Kerzner Richland, WA Jewish	I am a practicing agnostic Jew married to a lapsed Catholic from a devout family. We have one son. Prior to his birth, Judaism was primarily my ethnic and cultural identity. Both of us believe that religion is a valuable tool in imparting values and moral structure to children, but could not do so from a Catholic perspective because of his alienation from that religion. On the other hand, Judaism, for me, was the most essential legacy I could leave for my son. We were left with the question of how to raise him to be proud of his Jewish heritage, as well as his Irish and Highland Scottish background. Because so much of Jewish practice centers around the home, I discovered that the practices needed to have meaning for me. Yet, the more I thought about God, the more agnostic I became. Instead, reading about various religions kept bringing me back to the beauty of many Jewish customs that make one aware of the blessings of our own lives and the necessity of accepting and imposing personal limits. In addition, we live in an area with a small Jewish community whose members do not engage in the same practices as we do. Furthermore, most of my sons friends are not Jewish. We had to work through deciding how to practice Judaism so that it reinforced his identity without causing him to resent it. Part of that, of course, was balancing our practice against the strength of my beliefs — where to stand firm, where to compromise. How do we provide our children with a foundation in a spiritual system that is strong enough to endure the explorations of adolescence? How do we give them the strength to ask the important questions, knowing that there are few good answers? How do we help them develop the moral fortitude to make the right choices even when they are difficult?
Kathryn Smith Ripper Columbus, OH Protestant; I was raised as a Presbyterian and now attend a Methodist church when I go to church	I considered myself to have a personal faith as a young adult but in hindsight, don't think of myself as being a particularly spiritual person until I lived in Hawaii for several years. On the mainland you're surrounded by so much Christianity that it can be taken for granted. In Hawaii, Christians are not the majority and you can experience parts of Buddhist and cultural traditions that aren't Christian if you wish. The Japanese traditional ubon season is practiced widely on Oahu and since my kids are one-quarter Japanese, my ex-husband and I tried to take them to at least one bon festival at a temple every year. We donated to the temple and would make an offering in his mother's name. I bought hapi coats for the kids to wear even though they were too young to totally know what was going on. One year my daughter was big enough to wear a kimono I'd received as a child from my uncle who'd been stationed in Japan. We never did any dancing but many Caucasians do join in. My ex-husband doesn't practice any faith and considers himself an agnostic but going to the bon festivals touched a family memory or core for him. I grew up in the time of the cults, the Moonies, the folks dying in the jungle after drinking Kool-Aid. I knew someone from my home town who'd joined the Moonies. I wanted very much to give my children a clear sense as to what my personal faith is as they grew up, with the expectation that they may or may not want to actively practice protestant Christianity as adults. While I consider myself to be tolerant and ecumenical in my outlook, I found that there were some boundaries I wasn't willing to cross with the kids. For example, I didn't want them going to the Catholic or more fundamentalist youth fellowship programs because I didn't want them to even consider those faiths because of peer pressure or enthusiasm. Attending a Mass would be educational however. I was thrilled that my daughter was invited to two bat mitzvahs because she was able to experience a Jewish sabbath ceremony. I had never met a Jew until I went to college. I had to call a Jewish girlfriend to ask about the whole coming of age program and tried to explain to my daughter, who wasn't terribly interested in what Mom had to say. My son has a Jewish friend at school and his family has promised to have us over on a Friday sometime. My middle school church group visited a wide variety of churches and a Quaker meeting house as a part of our confirmation process. I'd like to do the same on an informal basis with my children but as a single parent getting out the door on Sunday has been a huge issue. As a single parent with two kids I've found that you resort to lowest common denominator parenting: if my son can make it to the youth fellowship meeting then I'm not going to sweat it that we didn't make it to church in the morning.
Susan Slack Sarasota, FL American Sufi	My son is grown now and doing very well in every aspect of his life. I raised him according the suggestions of East Indian musician, Inayat Khan, who started the American Sufi Order and the European Sufi Movement over 80 years ago. He left behind many volumes of lectures and wrote a book, Education from Before Birth to Maturity, which I used as a guideline, along with friends who also raised their children in this way. The basics of this way is one of great love, gentleness, and patience. Instead of instilling specific methodologies or religious beliefs, the child is guided toward what comes natural which is reverence for life, respect for parents and others. The child is also encouraged toward concentration and focus, not through any specific methods, but rather to take care not to interrupt a child in the middle of something, or to rush him about, or to shame or scold her. Now my son is very comfortable no matter which house of worship he enters because he has been taught, through experience, the basic underlying theme of all religions. From my point of view there is only one religion — the religion of the heart.
Linda Schaffer Springfield, VA None	I was raised Catholic but no longer belong to any religious organization because I feel that, for me, the doctrine/dogma of a religion often obscures the experience of the sacred. My husband, also raised Catholic, never really found religion relevant to his life. We have a wonderful, bright, loving, 14-yr-old son with Aspergers who has an intense need for the definitive answers that we eschew. My husband does not usually talk about spiritual matters. My primary means of sharing spiritual questions and perspectives with our son are reading (great literature of all genres), discussion, reflecting on our experience, and listening to Speaking of Faith almost every week. He considered and rejected Christianity in favor of his invented polytheistic religion, which he takes quite literally and to which he is fiercely devoted (for two years, now). I feel his belief system is revealing of his inner experience. Sometimes, I worry that it helps him to avoid stressful, but important experiences. When he shares his religious beliefs with me, I try to reflect what I hear him saying and to respond respectfully and honestly to his comments, but I often share more of my perspective than he cares to hear. It is challenging for both of us. Sometimes what he says is meaningful to me on a mythical level, even though I know he means it literally. For example, he'll say that the god who created the world is evil and doesn't really care about people because he lets all kinds of evil things happen to them. According to my son, this deity must be entertaining himself with mankind's reaction to all this chaos. But the gods of the ancient Greeks were friends to man and combat chaos and strife. To the extent that we can merge with these deities, we will become one with the gods and escape strife. He believes that we can achieve this through science, specifically genetic engineering that will make us as powerful as these divine forces and meld our will with theirs. Of course, he's going to be the first to do it. His grandiose beliefs are more important than the reality around him, helping him to justify his retreat from the everyday world. We have two grown sons, 24 and 26, with whom my husband and I rarely discussed religion or faith, but often read together, which generated lots of discussion about truth and values. They have never expressed a need to subscribe to a religious creed. They have shared with us their experiences of discussing religious beliefs with friends, but neither seems to find any meaning in those beliefs. They are both very kind, responsible, interested, interesting, and seemingly happy men. I would like to know how to talk to my youngest about his beliefs in a way that is respectful but also honest. Should I just smile and say "oh really!" when he tells me that something good happened to him because he was faithful to Zeus? I suppose someone who is knowledgeable about the spirituality of children and about autism could help. Reading recommendations would be appreciated. I don't know if my concern is primarily about spirituality or psychology — although I know they overlap. He has talked to counselors regarding his ideas, but I have seen no maturing in his views. As a young mother, I did not seek out the spiritual, but I would say it found me, anyway. I am more conscious of the spiritual in my experience, now. I love to hear the spiritual perspectives and experiences of others. I set aside time to reflect on my life and try to be more aware of the possibilities of each moment. I find meaning in many religious and non-religious insights, especially when they resonate in my experience. I have friends who are Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim, Jewish, and atheist and I learn from them all. I see my purpose as using my abilities to cultivate a greater awareness/appreciation of life and its potential. I see our role as that of co-creators, cultivators. As for reality beyond this world — I have no way of knowing the specifics, but I do have hope and trust that this experience of life has a value beyond what we can perceive/conceive. We experience intimations of the beyond, perhaps? The most perplexing aspect of faith, to me, is that the same literalness from which some (adults) derive meaning and comfort, strikes others as flat and absurd, while the truth-as-metaphor that can be so powerful for some, can be totally empty for others.
Casey Rousseau West Hartford, CT Episcopal	I grew up "nothing." That is, my parents, disparing of their faith traditions, didn't bring me to church unless it was for a baptism, wedding, or funeral. My grandmother brought me on Easter, Christmas, and any Summer Sunday that I was in her house, but I felt excluded as one unwelcome at the communion rail. I developed my faith as a young adult independently of my parents. I now have two young children, and though I bring them to church weekly, and we do small things like saying grace before meals daily, I want them to develop their own faith, not simply acquire mine.
Rebecca Neiger Columbus, OH Buddhist, formerly Christian	Becoming a parent "awakened" dormant spirituality in me. My first child has special needs — that, too has propelled my "search." I returned to my Christian roots initially, followed that to the contemplative level, then actually found more resonance with Buddhist teachings. I still deeply value my Christian heritage and am actually raising our children in a Christian church. I have appreciated each step in my spiritual journey and mostly just want each of my children to pursue their own journey, regardless of where it takes them. I wonder if there is any information/research on spiritual development, as we have "stages" of psychological development. Ken Wilbur's work seems to deal with levels, but I think it applies primarily to adults. There do seem to be predictable ways that people evolve and one of those stages seems to be rejection of the faith of one's childhood. I'm wondering if it's possible to grow from an immature to a more mature level without what appears to be an inevitable discarding followed by a reclaiming of faith for oneself?
Kathleen Tappen Richmond, VA Episcopal	At the age of three, my son who is now six, posed a fascinating question about God to me and provided his own profound answer as he was saying his evening prayers: "Father in heaven hear my prayer — why do we call God "Father"? Maybe he is a mother. Mother in heaven hear my prayer — maybe God isn't a Mother or a Father, maybe God is just God." Though I was raised Episcopal. I didn't attend church as a single adult or even as a married 30 something. It wasn't until my son was a toddler that I began to attended church again, albeit sporadically. I have always believe that it is important and morally beneficial for a child to experience organized religion, but it was the aforementioned question and answer experience that opened my eyes to the natural spirituality that I believe lies within children. Since that time my son has made some very interesting, unsolicited comments. For example, at age four he told me "you know when you die your spirit goes back up to be with God for a while then you come back to Earth as a baby." I asked him who told him this and he said, "nobody, I just know it." My son now attends an all boys school where they attend chapel twice a week. As a kindergartner, he and his friends talk very freely about God (he and his best friend had a serious argument one day because my son told his friend "you don't believe in the golden rule because you keep interrupting me." His friend argued, almost in tears, "I do believe in the golden rule, don't say that I don't — I'm sorry for interrupting you." He also continues to pose very mature spiritual questions to my husband and me. We do our best to answer his questions in as an enlightened manner as possible — "Yes, there is just one God and many different religions. No, it doesn't make scenes that the people of different religions are fighting when they all believe in the same God."
Phil Jakes Durham, NC Protestant	My own faith has been greatly enhanced by being a parent, as it has allowed me to better understand what is meant by many of the tenants of my Christian faith. For example, "unconditional love." I may be frustrated with my kids (ages 3 and 5) regularly, but I love them deeply always. Or, the concept of free will, where I will allow my children to explore the world, make mistakes, and even fail, although always keeping a loving eye on them, attempting to help them learn from their mistakes (which is easier when they ask), and also watching that they don't get into something that is dangerously more than they can handle. This is much like the relationship that I would like to have with God.
Margaret Rhoades Plymouth, MI Roman Catholic	As parent of four adults, my remarriage in a Presbyterian church and not Catholic causes my son and his family a problem; they think I am living in sin. I received an annulment thru my church, however my former husband appealed the process to Rome, stated untruths. Rome agreed with him. The tribunal still encouraged me to live in peace and experience the goodness and love in my second marriage in good faith. That was not clear enough for my son and his family. I feel uncomfortable writing about this. My other three children are pleased for me. The other incident is about my oldest granddaughter getting married this year in a Methodist church without talking to the priest in the Catholic church about her plans. I do not think her choice is anything other then going along with her fiance's family, and not because she finds God in a better way. Her parents are displeased, she did not discuss her plans prior to making them. These are two problems we are living with at this time. I attend Mass every Sunday, then attend service with my husband at his church. I take what I can from his church. I find this positive for our marriage; we know couples from his church and that is good also. My primary source of strength, God, and direction comes from the Catholic church.
Stacia Goodman Minneapolis, MN My husband is a nonpracticing Jew. I am a former Catholic, now non-Christian, yet believer in a God/Goddess.	Rather than attending a "church" or following a certain dogma, I look to events such as Memorial Day, the seasons, tragedies in the news, the recent death of our old, beloved dog and the little joys and struggles of everyday life to discuss matters of prayer and the afterlife with my young children. I also try to educate my kids on the buffet of beliefs in our world, hoping someday they will choose a path that fits for them. I tell myself this liberal approach all sounds great, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit how jealous I am of my married friends who consistently believe and teach a single path such as Judaism or Catholicism to their children. I want my children to have faith in a God/creator/higher power; a source to pray to for guidance and strength. Yet, how does a parent convey that without the support of a spiritual community, the visuals of a church/temple and the guidance of a priest/rabbi, Bible/Torah. I feel so rudderless at times without a more formal religious structure, yet that doesn't fit into our lives now and our beliefs don't fit into it.
Margery Schwartz Miami, FL Jewish	I've written a new book called What's Up With the Hard Core Jewish People? An irreverent yet informative approach to Judaism and religious devotion from a Reform Jewish mother's perspective. This is the true story of our casually Jewish family's struggle to cope with the divisiveness caused when one son becomes an Orthodox Jew. Four years ago, our youngest son, Carter, a fraternity guy and graduate of the University of Pennsylvania, did a 180 degree lifestyle change when he decided to blow off law school and study in Israel to be an Orthodox rabbi. Our family is Reform Jewish, so Carter's transformation from secular to observant Jew was rather shocking to those of us on the "dark side." Why would anyone want to trade hedonism and materialism for Jewish spirituality and living up to God's expectations of us? After I finally recovered from cognitive dissonance and acknowledged that Carter was serious about his decision, I realized I needed a cram course in traditional Judaism so I could be on the same wavelength as our son. It wasn't until Carter went hardcore that it became apparent that I was functionally illiterate with regard to Jewish values, traditions, and history. Moreover, I realized that due to my ignorance, I was sometimes intolerant toward Orthodox Jewish rituals. I didn't at all care for feeling like a bigot, and I saw that many of my friends were in the same boat as me. I saw this as an opportunity to help bring myself and other assimilated Jews closer to Judaism. Unfortunately there were no Jewish Cliff's Notes or a simple, to-the-point book that would expediently teach me what traditional Judaism is all about. The 12 books out there on newly observant Jews and Orthodox Judaism are all by newly observant Jews, rabbis, and other religious Jews whose perspective is very different than mine. I needed to understand Judaism and religious devotion on my own terms and in a way that wasn't intimidating. So I started doing in-depth research using books and the Internet. I wrote this book to share my story and provide the reader with consolation, guidance, entertainment, and suggestions on how to deal with a formerly non-religious Jew who has become Orthodox, and to impart my Jewish knowledge in a user-friendly way and help people understand what it means to be Jewish. Carter and Naomi, my Torah-true son and daughter-in-law, love this book, although the irreverence was sometimes a bit tough for them to take. But they know that this book finally walks the Jewish outreach talk by being both entertaining and informative, making it engaging and accessible even to people who don't think Judaism is relevant to them.
Candace Lieber Costa Mesa, CA Unity	My husband and I were very disconnected from our Christian religious traditions, yet we wanted to find a community that reflected our shared values and had programs for our three children. We found that community last year in our local Unity Church. Unity's belief system is made up of five basic ideas — it is quite simple, starting with the idea that God is absolute good. My husband and I enjoy the diverse community, time for mediation in service, and the weekly talks during our service utilize a variety of texts that we weren't exposed to before. We contribute to the community with our gifts of time, prayer and money. We have also added prayer to our daily way of life — simple prayers before meals, at the beginning of the day and day's end. Now my two-year-old looks forward to holding hands, listening to the message, and saying AMEN! with enthusiasm. We know that our Christian practice is aligned with our lives and there is room for change and growth as our kids grow.
Koren Walsh Mound, MN Pagan-based, but under no name or denomination	As a parent, I have been open in the spiritual paths I've walked with my son. He has been exposed and has experienced many different traditions and the people involved with them. My son feels comfortable walking his own spiritual path because of that. I've found that honesty and a wide range of experience has grounded him as a spiritual young man. I have asked many questions on this path with my son. I've found the best resources have been other parents of faith, and going directly to the experts in the field — the rabbis, priests, and priestesses themselves.
Michael Denmeade Hartland, VT Unitarian Univesalist Society	I tend to lean toward Gandhi's approach, "I am everything…" My practices are varied from Catholicism to shamanism. I find addressing the question of spirituality with my 10-year-old daughter, Lily, both exciting and challenging. I have tried to provide her with an eclectic, but simple approach based on her heritage and my experiences. Even though she has experienced rituals and ceremonies from the Catholic, Buddhist, Native American, Polynesian and Yamabushi traditions, I try to keep it simple, tangible, and real for her. One way is by telling her every day, "Lily, thanks for picking me to be your Dad." She does attend a Waldorf school, which has a strong spirit focus theoretical approach. In summary, I would repeat it is very challenging, exciting, and growthful for her and I. I almost forgot to mention that on many occasions I follow her lead in both conversations and daily life experiences.
George Brusseler Babylon, NY Culturally christian, however I dabble in many faiths like Joseph Campbell	My wife and I are the parents of three daughters ages 11, 8, and 4. The eight year old was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 5 and our lives have been a daily struggle to help with her needs and the needs of the rest of our family. My wife and I are both from a Christian background, however I have been leaning towards more Eastern faiths in recent years. These faiths have led me to be more accepting of our situation and to know that nothing can truly be expected as well as nothing being permanent. Your show has also been a source of comfort, particularly the episode with parents dealing with a schizophrenic son and how the learned to accept him. That episode reminded me of the essay "Welcome to Holland" by Emily Pearl Kingsley. If your not familiar with it, it uses the analogy of a vacation to Italy to having a baby and ending up in Holland to represent having a child with special needs. Holland might not be what was expected, but Holland offers different beauty. I think of this essay every day, in particular when things are at its worst at home. Thank you again for your great show. I do extra work on Saturday morning just to catch it!
Michelle Lechner-Riehle Burnsville, MN Currently atheist; formerly Catholic	I am a former Catholic, now consider myself atheist (my husband is the same). We try to impart values, tolerance, and respect to our children (I also run a family childcare). Our teenage son doesn't mind being raised atheist, but occasionally our daughter feels excluded from the Christian majority. I want my children to be well educated regarding religion. I want them to make informed decisions and to be able to have intelligent discussions about matters of spirituality. This is a bit of a challenge.
Mike Prange Florissant, MO Lutheran	As parents, my wife and I spent time with our three boys in church, Sunday school, and other activities. They also attended a parochial school. We did not force religion down their throat, but modeled what we believed. Although they were not always regular, we did have family devotions. We were always open for questions and doubts and did encourage an open mind. Being a parent educator made me aware of the need to work with my children. As a grandparent, we share a similar faith with our son and daughter-in-law and attend Christmas programs and other events with our grandchildren. When we are all together we allow the young grandchildren to lead us in prayer before a meal. This sometimes becomes comical, but we feel it is necessary to faith development.
Anna-Maria Bliss Minneapolis, MN Currently none — I grew up Lutheran	I grew up Lutheran (ELCA), but quit attending church regularly during college. I don't describe myself as Lutheran or Christian — I don't believe in an omnipotent God. However, there are pieces of the faith I grew up with that "stuck" — a belief in the "grace" available to and inside all of us; a belief that if there is a god and all people are created in God's image that really means all of us (straight, gay, European, American, Asian, Muslim, Christian, Buddhist, conservative, liberal); a belief that there is something out there that connects all of us, even if I don't know what that is. I have visited non-Lutheran churches and attended non-traditional faith ceremonies, I have read about early Christian churches and non-Christian traditions, and still feel like I'm searching for the right "fit." The youth minister at the church I grew up in said while I was in confirmation that a faith that is not questioned is not a good or solid faith — I guess I have spent most of my time since confirmation questioning, which has lead me down a curving and twisting path with a few dead ends and more than once place where I found myself crossing back over familiar terrain. My child is only two — still too young for me to be addressing religion and spirituality directly. But I have been struggling with how do find a good way to talk with her about it. Currently we don't attend a church — I grew up Lutheran, but my husband is agnostic and didn't grow up in a church. I don't think that going back to a Christian church is right for me, but I know that there is a lot I know and learned growing up Lutheran that is important (like a deep understanding of "grace" as more than just forgiveness). So much of our culture is centered around the Judeo-Christian tradition — stuff I "get" but my husband sometimes doesn't. I want my child to learn about faith and religion, to know why it is important to some people and maybe not to others, to understand how it has shaped our country and our world. It seems that a church (Lutheran or otherwise) would provide a community to help me with this teaching and these discussions, I'm just not sure how to balance my varying comfort levels with organized religion and my sense of spirituality with my desire to impart the tools my daughter will need to make her own decisions about faith, religion and spirituality. I think that children, like many of us, like to find structure and order in their world. Sometimes that structure and order is best described through a faith tradition and spirituality. What gets difficult is how to have that conversation without a structure in place like church attendance, Sunday School, etc. How to explain why Mama and Papa believe differently — and why that is okay? How to explain why we pray before meals and Grandma's house, but not at home? I have lots of interesting reading for grown-ups about the history of the Christian faith, different religions, etc. — but are there books for the un-churched/unfaithful about how to teach your kids about faith and religion? If she's not growing up with it now, how do I know when my child is ready to talk about faith? There are lots of resources for potty training available and easily accessible — do I really need to join a church (Lutheran, Unitarian, whatever) to have access to the same resources about faith?
John Metzler McLean, VA Roman Catholic	This may not be what you're looking for, but it's my experience as a single parent father. I learned from graduate school and early years in my career that all of the people I liked, admired, and/or wanted to be like were "churched." They had a sense of their own finality and part of some plan larger than themselves. Before I was married, I was surprised to learn that women friends and better liked that I went to church. For me, it was more an act of courage in the 1970s, as I'm not naturally rebellious. So "church" gradually became important to me, rather than important to my parents. I've met and got to know and appreciate wonderful women of different faiths, but as I grew older I began to see the value of my Catholic, and in particular, Jesuit education. I wanted to pass my parents', and eventually my own, faith to my children, if children should ever come. When my one and only marriage (to a Catholic who valued her religion) failed, I remember wondering what turning the other cheek meant in a divorce. The answer that came and was tested is "What's best for the children" — not easy to do in a court system that is inherently adversarial in its approach to "truth." So the two children went to 16 years of Catholic education on my nickel (and pennies!). Also, in my part in raising two, now young adults, the story of the prodigal son was always in the back of my mind. The father gives the prodigal much freedom — for the father's love is pure. I'm fully aware that "father" is the first image of God, the Father. I had to let go and let God, in my heart — an ongoing challenge. But by doing so it made it possible to give children some space, some emotional space, to become themselves as God intended them to be, not as their mother or father wanted. So, what next? Parenting doesn't stop, only changes. My children did not go to a Catholic college, as I no longer know what a "catholic" college is, and I'm sorry that neither will have some of the philosophy, theology, or experiences, wonderful and not so wonderful, that I had while at Holy Cross where I went in the late 1960s. But I think that is okay with God. Through Vatican II, it seems to me that the Roman Catholic Church is to become more catholic, with religious and lay, single and married, rich and poor, comfortable and hurting, all moving in service of the Father of Jesus, and not some institution. But how that will work out is more likely part of my children's task, less mine.
Tamarack Song Three Lakes, WI World Native	I feel most comfortable and proficient in guiding my children's spiritual growth when I remember that I was once them, as I can then empathize and see through their eyes. I look to the traditional ways of native elders, as their ways have stood the test of time and change, and I rely strongly upon example — mine and others — as I believe that values and perspectives speak most clearly to the heart when they are seen and experienced rather than heard about. My questions often involve finding the essential, timeless spiritual dilemmas that usually lie at the core of the seemingly complex moral and character issues that children face in our day. The written word, access to elders, and ancestral memories, are what I see can rely upon for answers.
Jenny Price-Smith Rockville, MD I was raised Catholic.	I was raised Catholic, and now attend a Methodist church, but believe like Henry Nouwen that there is gold to mine in all faiths. I am open to learning from all traditions, and believe that God speaks in many tongues. That said, Jesus' message to "Love thy neighbor and to approach others with compassion and mercy, to take care of the sick, the poor feels like the right path. Mother Teresa lived Jesus' message. That is my goal. I am a mother of 18-month-old triplets and a soon-to-be four year old; without a daily communion with God, I could not do this job. Sometimes my husband and I look at each other as if to say, "How did this happen?" But we also look at each other in awe of the gifts bestowed upon us. When we found out I was pregnant with triplets, I cried for two days — as I was filled with fear, having been told by two doctors that we should consider "reduction" — that is, aborting one of the fetuses. Then I told myself that this would not do, crying and being in this place of fear would not be any good for me or the babies, and I "gave it over to God." We sought a third opinion with a high risk OB, Dr. Gallagher, who talked to us for 1 and 1/2 hours. He explained the risk was only minimally greater — for me — than for carrying twins. I felt lifted up — spiritually, emotionally. Sitting in his office, my husband and I saw that he held a degree of Divinity. From the time I gave the pregnancy over to God, I felt lifted up by Her/Him, a peace and tranquility came over me, that I had not known before. In fact, I'm sure the triplets were God's way of letting me know that I am not in control — despite my usual efforts to be so. I was able not only to accept, but to celebrate my situation. Each time we went for a sonogram or a test, my husband and I would sing two lines from a Jennifer Knapp song, "Holy Spirit won't you help me understand. Holy Spirit won't you say a prayer for me." I just loved the idea of the Holy Spirit saying a prayer for me — imagine that! I awaken each morning at 5:00 am in order to have time for prayer, yoga, and spiritual reading/writing before the babies and my three year old awaken. This time is the spiritual underpinning of my day. And throughout the day, when I do something right with my kids, like recognize when my three year old just needs holding, not scolding, I immediately sense God's grace in my words or actions. And when I do something not so right — like yelling — I know that I am not speaking or acting from a place of Light and Grace, and am often able to get back to this place with prayer. I am also teaching my children how prayer can be a centering, calming and joyful endeavor. My three year old often ends her prayers with, "I love you," and a kiss into the air to God. Mother Teresa says, "Your home should be a place of joy, peace and love." It's a good measure to live by or to try to live by. And I do — try that is. As I have always sought the spiritual, especially through books, I wanted to share some of the sources that have helped me so much with parenting. With my pregnancies, I found the book, Birthing from Within to be a great spiritual guide for carrying and bringing life into the world. I love the book, Whole Child Whole Parent, what a grounding it provides for child rearing. The Blessings of a Skinned Knee is also a perfect gift for parents in that offers so much about raising kids in the midst of our modern-day, technical and overly communicative society — I love its three tenets for family living "Moderation, Celebration and Sanctification" — to keep those in mind, always, would help us all stay on a right(eous) path. I also turn to poetry quite often to guide me towards life's beauty and through life's pain. Garrison Keillor's Good Poems, especially, "What I Learned from my Mother," with the line "To every house you enter you must offer healing: a chocolate cake you baked yourself, the blessing of your voice, a chaste touch." Also the poem, "Wild Geese" and the line, "tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you about mine." or "September, the First Day of School" too many poignant lines to quote. As well as,"First Lesson" just to name a few that resonated with me as a parent trying to feed my children and myself the spiritual bread we and the world so need.
John Adams Stillwater, MN Independent. I tend to be Buddhist in my outlook. I am extremely suspicious of any faith tradition that claims to have truth on its side. I believe that there are as many ways to God as there are people in this world.	I was brought up Presbyterian, my wife Roman Catholic. We are both "recovering" Christians. We say "recovering" because we now understand that there is so much more to spiritual life than religion. I think my wife would agree when I say that my spiritual journey and hers has taken me far from where I started. But that's too long a story for now. It is a real challenge to raise two boys without the support and help of a specific religious tradition, but our religious upbringing has helped a great deal. We also are blessed with children who are very curious — and unafraid to ask just about any question! We do worry about their lack of formal religious experience, but we have found opportunities to educate them ourselves and give them a broader and more practical spiritual experience. Not that our boys aren't into video games or the latest movies and pop culture. It's just that there are many times when the topic comes up all by itself. An unusual or unfamiliar figure of speech often gets a "what does that mean?" or "where did that come from?" We often take that time to just explain the background. Sometimes they ask for more, sometimes they run away! I try not to press or bring up the subject too often. My boys accuse me sometimes of being weird, but what kid didn't think their parents had something weird in them? Anyway, I'm pretty comfortable about the way we have raised our children relative to spirituality.
Tina Weitzel Albertville, MN None — Do unto others as you would have them do unto you… perhaps.	We have an 11-year-old boy, and a 16-year-old girl. Both I and my husband were brought up Roman Catholic, and neither of us participates in any kind of religion now. We are both in our late 30's, and we have tried a couple of different "churches" over the last 17 years, but nothing seems to stick. We had both of our kids baptized, but as we look back at it, it seems it was for our extended families that we did this. That and "it was the thing to do." Our kids have each experienced the desire to participate in a churches community, and we always support that. This was not really a choice I had as I child. Religion was forced on me, and I vowed I would not do that to my children, and I haven't. I have a lot of curiosity about how religion works, and why it works, and I hope I have encouraged some of that in my children. We are probably best labeled as Atheists, I think, but I don't use labels like that with the kids. We discuss things they hear at school or from friends about how they have to "be saved" and other such religious indoctrinations like that. We have told them, if they want to have that experience, we will take them to the church of their choice, but we can not participate with them. Because we think it is hogwash. We have covered issues and value, and morals by giving them examples of the obvious right things to do, and the obvious wrong things to do. We also approach issues like abortion with them — yes, both of them. We give them every side to a situation, or a belief, and we let them mull it over, ask more questions, and draw their own conclusions. We have covered it all — the death penalty, racial tensions (we are Anglo-Saxon whites who grew up in North Minneapolis), teenage pregnancy, cults, drugs, smoking etc. After all this hard work, what we have found is that when religious people find out how we live our likvs, they want nothing to do with us. They say things like "if you don't believe what we believe, you must be bad people". This includes both of our families. There are very few out there who can tolerate our philosophy on parenting. Not that we know exactly what that is, but we know what it is not — religion. We have taught our children tolerance. So even if the church down the street doesn't like us, our kids like, and respect the beliefs of every person in that church. Lastly, we have tried to teach them to be open minded, and available to listen to others and their opinions. Anyone can be a teacher, but not if you're not paying attention. I wish I had good answers for some of the questions my kids ask. They ask "why do people believe in god(s)? So we try to watch history channel shows on religion, and where a single "God" idea came from. But we can not explain why people believe. We have tried to teach them that all actions have consequences. But how to teach them that, when they see every day in the news situations where it is never seem that there is a consequence for a bad deed done? We have tried to teach them that doing the "right" thing is always the correct decision to make. But will that end them at the wrong end of a "right decision" with the worst possible outcome? They grew up watching Disney fairy tales, and they both still believe everything will turn out the way it should in the end. But does it? No, it does not. We do not want to overwhelm them with bad people and the things they do either. But should we, so they are ready for all life has to give them? How do we explain, or show them, that even though their friends say they have to have a relationship with "god" to be good people, that religion and the church do not make Good People necessarily, it mealy has good people that believe what is preaches. That you can be a person with different beliefs and still be good. And how do my kids convince their friends of that?
Maren Sullivan Apple Valley, MN I am a ER nurse and yoga practitioner, with a deep belief in the goodness of people and all things.	My husband and I come from vastly different backgrounds. He was raised Catholic and continues to so, attending Mass weekly and adhering to traditional practices. I was raised Jewish (Reformed) and have experimented with everything from Wicca to humanism. Our four children have all been baptized, with much discussion, but I also read mythology and a wide variety of religious texts to them. John Mayberry-Lewis, the anthropologist, said it best, "These are the stories we tell ourselves, to make sense of the wide universe around us." My oldest questions me and my husband regularly about God and receives very different answers. I state that people cannot define the universe in one light and he emphasizes the tradition he was raised in. They participate in our lively discussions but one truth is evident — free will. As stewards of the planet but most likely not the only sentients in the universe, we just don't know. Be a good person, respect and strive to understand different views from yourself. Take care of what we have created in the world and leave it a better place than when you arrived. If we had answers to the big questions, they wouldn't be the big questions, would they? For all our upbeat and multicultural emphasis, it is not easy to explain hatred, violence, or bigotry. The increasing role religion, particularly a certain type of Protestantism, has played in government in the US leaves me cold. An inclusive Internet source, a forum where many different faiths and cultures could exchange information and institute a deep commitment to understanding and tolerance would be ideal. Many small-scale efforts are active, but where is the secular umbrella that allows each and every person the safe space to speak, not preach, their ideas and hopes for the spiritual future of the planet?
Jerry Olson Red Wing, MN Christian — Lutheran	[We parent] by example: the way we live our lives (church, service, prayer, devotion, etc.); by instruction in faith: participating in our children's confirmation; by reading the Bible together; by talking with them about spiritual issues. How do parents effectively instill traditional faith values in children today in the face of multitudes of messages daily assaulting those values and telling impressionable young people those values are wrong or invalid? It seems an impossible task without completely cutting children off from the real world. And then impossible once they reach an age of making decisions for themselves.
J Butz Winston-Salem, NC None	My spiritual path leans toward a more non-western philosophy, incorporating many Pagan, Buddhist, Hindu and Zen ideas along with some Gnostic Christian thoughts. I attempt to incorporate the best of all religions within my life, realizing that each of us has a different spiritual path we follow and all are valid. Spirituality is not a static idea or force, but one that grows and flourishes with experience and exploration. Having not grown up in a religious or spiritual environment, this very much became an important question when it came to raising my child. To be more succinct: how to express those spiritual ideas that I had explored without limiting his exploration. We chose not to attend any religious institutions but introduced the concepts of the connectedness of all living things to one another, the importance of the environment, the notion of experiencing spirituality as an individual, to question/explore what he has found, the concept that the connectedness/love he experiences are all available to him to access when needed, and emphasizing that each person's spiritual path is different, and all are valid. Unfortunately, the exclusivity and proselytizing found in today's religions and world affairs, that he has watched bring strife/war/killing to his world, has made him question the validity of all religions. His basic question in the adult world becomes, how can he respect those people claiming exclusive religions who shun his beliefs with closed minds, using their unquestioned dogma. It is something we yet work through, without an easy answer or resolution. How can one reconcile the validity of each person's spiritual path with that of those that will not respect another's views as valid? How can you encourage a child to question and seek, when such rigid dogma is so blatantly pushed forth?
Mark Asleson Dilworth, MN Lutheran	My name is Mark Asleson and I serve as the pastor at Dilworth Lutheran Church. For the past six years our congregation has been working to engage and encourage parent(s), guardians, and mentors on what it means to "pass on faith and values. This all began with a vision of finding a to strengthen and nurture faith and values in and through the home. What has been exciting is that this effort has offered us not only an opportunity to support and encourage the homes of the congregation but by doing so have also supported and encouraged homes within the community and beyond. In other words, we have come to understand that by encouraging faith and values in the homes of the congregation we also encourage faith in the community as well. This shift from a facility-based, program-centered ministry to one that focuses on the home as the primary institution for passing on faith and values defines what we call "Home Centered Ministry". The biggest shift is from an age-specific, group teaching model to an intentional focus on the home as the basic unit of both the congregation and the community. You will note that we do not use the term family, instead we have intentionally chosen to use the word "home" because not every home is made up of a mom, dad, and the children. Instead, the homes within our congregation and community differ in a host of ways. We have traditional families, extended families, single parent families, blended families, families being raised by grandparents; as well singles, widowed, and divorced. Each one of these is a "home" and each is welcomed to participate. It is not uncommon for grandparents, aunts and uncles and even divorced and unmarried parents to join together in events that are sponsored during various stages of their children's faith and spiritual development. In other words, members of the home attend the various classes and programs offered from cradle roll to confirmation. The response has been amazing. It is wonderful and encouraging to watch as the members of a home grow together. We have also come to realize that many of our homes come out of diverse religious backgrounds. One grandmother, from a different faith tradition, responded one day by saying that: "no one has ever asked me to teach the faith to my children, let alone my grandchildren. Nor did I ever expect a Lutheran minister to ask me, a Roman Catholic, to pass on faith." In response, I simply said: "Why would I ever stop you from doing so?" Or even more to the point, how could I ever stop her from passing on faith and values? Dr. David Anderson of the Youth and Family Institute in Minneapolis often says that faith is taught through caring, trusted relationship and that most often those relationship are located in and through the home. What we have come to understand and appreciate that the home is a primary place where faith and values are taught, either intentionally or unintentionally. Dr. Merton Strommen and Dr. Richard Hardel in their book Passing on the Faith share both the research and understanding of the power and importance that parents and other caring adults play in passing on values and faith vital to the development of children. What we have come to believe is that when the home engages, in an intentional way, in sharing faith and values that the well-being of the home increases as well.
Mary Taylor Titusville, FL Nondenominational Protestant	I am Protestant. My son is Protestant. His wife is Catholic. They are in a "compromise" role right now and I wonder how this will affect their child. Since I am the grandparent, I wonder also, what my role should be. I don't want my grandbaby to be distressed by conflicting religious traditions. I also want to support my son and his wife in the way they choose to raise this child. Any advice from someone who's been there?
Kristin Wilson Long Prairie, MN Christianity	I think that if you find it a struggle to share faith and spirituality with your children, you've already lost them. My husband and I have brought up our children far from the church which we belong to, and so have not been regular church-goers. We have, however, tried to instill an attitude of reverence for the world and an understanding of something greater than the physical world. We also have tried to raise our children to think for themselves and to not blindly follow anything. This has been similar to the way both of us were raised, and my father was a minister.
Mary Duerksen Gibraltar, MI Lutheran Christian	As a parent of a 24 year old and a 16 year old, I find the questions of spirituality most intriguing. I am also a Lutheran pastor. I think the most challenging questions have to do with what I teach my children about religion as it is expressed publicly in America. Although our country is so diverse in its religious experience and expressions of that experience, certain voices tend to dominate the public scene. While they are brought up in our particular faith tradition, I don't want them to be ignorant or disrespectful of the traditions of others. And I want them to benefit from the gifts of the variety of religious practices and spiritual dimensions of other faith traditions. I want to help them develop a broad world view in which they see themselves as being empowered by our faith to make a difference, especially on behalf of others. Further, I think I am challenged by the same issues that each generation of parents has faced-how to help my children wrestle with the larger life questions-the presence of brokenness in our world, the cruelty and poverty that many live with. Why are there so many religious-based conflicts arising in the world? And I have concerns for their personal spiritual development-how to provide them with the tools they need to have a regular prayer life, to be aware of God's hand in every aspect of their lives, to be able to see the connection between personal faith and service to others. Speaking as a pastor, I also find it frustrating to encounter a common attitude among other parents, that they won't bring their children up in a particular faith tradition because they want them to "choose for themselves" what to and how to believe when they grow up. To my view this is a huge mistake and a major self-deception. Children raised with no spiritual or faith basis tend to end up drifting for years into their adulthood, often making poor decisions inthe search for meaning in their lives. How can a young adult make good choices with no prior knowledge or experience? We end up with spiritual infants walking around in adults' bodies, frequently with disastrous consequences. We are just beginning to discover the various phases in the development of spirituality among children. While important work has been done by James Fowler and others like him, I don't think we have yet found the means to translate that knowledge into everyday parenting. As both a parent and a pastor I would welcome developmentally sensitive resources that can be useful in the home environment. How can we best assess our children's spiritual stages and what can we do on a daily basis to help them grow spiritually? How can we be equipped as parents to deal with our children's questions about the meaning of life? Although people of particular faith traditions have resources within those traditions such as a Bible, Koran or other scriptures, other parents choose not to be involved with a particular faith yet have to address their children's life questions too.
Christine Busch-Nema Kirkwood, MO Catholic, my husband is Hindu	I am trying to raise my children in such a way that they understand spiritual matters are many times intimately involved with action. I want them to understand that faith leads to works. So we talk about political issues in a spiritual light. I don't want them to separate these things out so that they think they pray to God in a church and that is where God lives. I hope they realize that God "lives" among people and that often times "prayer" and being with God means being with and working with people. It may mean being with the poor, or the elderly or homeless families. It may mean helping a neighbor or a friend. It may mean taking a stand against something that is morally wrong or standing with someone who is trying to follow the path of peace. I also am blessed to have a Catholic parish community that has a wonderful religious education program called the Catachesis of the Good Shepherd. From this program my eight-year-old daughter once told me that she knows how God is in us because if you put wine into water, you can't take the wine out — this is how God is in us. I was amazed at the time but with this program my kids ask questions and instead of giving answers, the teachers let them find their own "answer" by giving them opportunities to explore Scripture and talk about it with their group. They have come to their own conclusions about "Jesus, the Good Shepherd" and the concept of God as "light and Love." Kids are naturally spiritual beings. They have eyes and hearts that "see" in simple ways what sometimes adults miss because we are so complicated. God's ways are usually very simple and kids are not so complicated so they understand in their own way about God and spiritual issues.
Stephanie Simione Minneapolis, MN Originally Lutheran, then Catholic, now moving away from Catholicism	We've tried to instill spiritual meaning into holiday celebrations and working on values like donating to charity. We partner with the godparents of our kids (we are godparents for their child) in doing special activities for the kids during Lent and Advent. We struggle with routinely making it to church, however, even though we feel it would be helpful for our children (and us). It seems foolish — though I know this is true for many other parents of small kids — but it's hard to balance the time when there are 300 other things to do on the weekend and sadly, when trading who gets to sleep in on the weekends is the only way to make up for sleepless nights of kid-duty. How do you answer the big questions? Why do bad things happen? Why do people do bad things? For a preschooler, when you certainly don't have the answers yourself, how do you express such intangible concepts to a child who only thinks in concrete terms?
Autumn Alexander-Skeen Tokyo, Japan Episcopalian	How clearly I remember the Episcopal priest holding up our baby son like a chalice toward the altar at his baptism. It is a memory I have come to cherish even as it aches, for that same child was killed four years later in an SUV rollover. At the time Anton was baptized, the ritual was not inspired by the thought a religious sacrament was necessary to wash away some original sin, which to me is ridiculous. Nor was the effort made to somehow buy divine insurance by making him part of some select group. Though a person of faith, to me, Christianity has never been the exclusive way to the mountain top. It is my self-chosen tradition however, thus baptism was the ritual chosen. To be honest, tapping godparents and going to church together was more an excuse for a celebratory brunch. But in retrospect, I am so heartily grateful that ceremonial time was taken to dedicate Anton to a life based upon the Christ's Golden Rule and to thank God for him. No parent ever dreams that a child will die young, and the pain of it is bottomless. There are few comforts, but knowing God was thanked for Anton and that Anton was spiritually "sealed," and, we hope, is somehow with God, is one of the small outcrops I cling to in this canyon of loss filled with furious winds. Parents who don't consider the value of baptism or some kind of spiritual thanks and dedication of a child's life to forces greater than humans may regret that should the worst happen — not in the fearsome way that the child was born a sinner, which some traditions claim. Rather, a mysterious effort to thank the Divine, and a symbolic wish that this child will be humble and sensitive to the miracles of this world. Parents who forgo a faith tradition for themselves and their children are leaving themselves vulnerable. The most painful words in the human lexicon are, "I wish I would have…"
Delores Grunwald Duluth, MN Lutheran	As a parent, the most difficult problem is to guide children when the cultural norm is to reject organized religion (it's not cool). I have teenage children and all three are on different pathways in facing the cultural rejection (at least publicly) of faith. How to help them transition from a childlike faith to an adult faith (the process of exploring what their belief is and how we can guide them through the process). A few expert/gifted speakers about parenting/family spirituality topics are in the Twin Cities: Rich Melheim (www.faithink.com), Rollie Martenson (www.luthersem.edu/rmartins/), and Dick Hardel (http://www.youthandfamilyinstitute.org/).
Mindy Bartholomae Shaker Heights, OH Formerly United Church of Christ, but now Unity	I find the Unity Church to be non-dogmatic and open to all religious orientations. My Unity Church also refers to and studies A Course in Miracles, which to me is the most meaningful expression of Truth. It does not see us as separate from one another. We are extensions of God and have just forgotten this and simply need to acknowledge our perfection. I was raised as a typical WASP: went to Sunday school, Youth Groups and then as a parent, attempted to go to church as a family, more out of a sense of obligation than for any real meaning gleaned. Our kids somewhat bought into it(mostly because they had no choice), went on youth group mission trips, participated in confirmation classes (our oldest one at least)But it was never much more than experiencing a ritual. Then, our son started drifting off into drugs and all of a sudden we felt so lost, yet the church was not where we even considered turning. I happened to continue to run into an acquaintance who was going through similar things with her son. She had been dabbling in spirituality practices and attending a Unity Church. She also had been studying A Course in Miracles. It has been through this that as a family we have experienced a real awakening, learning to forgive, love unconditionally and not judge. I also am convinced that the reason so many of our youth are making the choices they do is because of a lack of faith or belief in their own perfection and trust in their sp ritual selves. They're just looking for God in all the wrong places. The world is appearing to them more and more frightening and stressful and rather than being given the mechanisms to tap into their spiritual selves, they are choosing to numb and check out with substances. I'm feeling pretty confident and peaceful these days, but our son continues to face his demons. Yet, instead of living my life under constant worry, doubt and fear, I'm really surrendering to God and not getting in the way of his healing. The hardest part is of course knowing when to just let it be and not constantly feel and urge to "do for" him. I get in the way of him discovering the way out for himself. I have pretty much discovered a host of resources for myself, including the Unity Church, A Course in Miracles, courses I've taken in finding my blocks to love and learning to forgive, and working with a therapist whose foundation is the Course in Miracles.
Tom Aversano Baltimore, MD Roman Catholic, Episcopalian	I have an 18-year-old son, Alex, who says he no longer believes in God. What he means by this is that not only is there no father-like omniscient being governing the universe and caring for and about us as individuals, but there is no spirit in the universe at all — the universe is just all dead matter, some of which has by chance become animated. Until age 14 or so, we took Alex to church weekly — initially Roman Catholic, later Episcopalian. The teaching was fairly conventional: he was taught that there is a God, that God cares about him and loves him as an individual, God has rules, etc. Actual world events — not just in the world at large, but in his own local world — made it plain that a God with human characteristics, a God that cares about individuals, him in particular, is preposterous. His reaction was not that the childhood stories are means at detecting and exploring the spiritual nature of the world, and that there really is something more than we just see — something bigger than ourselves — that there is a morality and way that is right and another that is wrong — instead he came away with feeling lied to and fooled, exactly like the child who first learns there is no Santa. I have a four-year-old daughter, Mia. I am taking her to church weekly and teaching her the ancient stories just as I did her brother. I struggle with how I will be able to help her make the transition from recognizing these stories are not literally true, but that they help us think about and help point the way toward truth. That while the idea of a human-like God is not only contradictory but is also silly and wholly unsupported by anything in our experience, yet God exists. That God is by its nature wholly ineffable, that the nature of God is discovered slowly and incrementally through clear-sighted observation and long experience, through science and art, through deep thought, and, yes, even through deeper understanding of the ancient stories learned as children. Yet I fear that this transition will not be made and she will, like so many around us who no longer are capable of the kind of observation and the kind of thought required, simply drop God and drop the spiritual nature of the universe from their world. How does one help (and at what age does one help) a child make the transition from literal interpretation of ancient bible stories (old and new testament), to recognizing them as simply means to a spiritual end? Similarly, when and how does one help a child recognize that God's nature is ineffable — that God is not like a person, does not have feelings/love for him/her as an individual (not a personal God) — and yet that God's nature can be recognized through thought, observation, science, art and even with the correct interpretation of the ancient bible stories?
Katherine Cole Herndon, VA Quaker (Religious Society of Friends)	I found becoming a parent 21 years ago an intensely spiritual experience. I experienced a kind of vulnerability I had never experienced as well as a feeling of connection to others that has never really left me. The vulnerability I feel stems from the fact that I felt that I could now be left completely bereft and undone if they were ever harmed and I realized that I had no idea How I would ever deal with this. I felt a connection with all parents no matter what their situation go through. I felt a need to address my religious beliefs straight on so that I could be honest with my children about them. My questions now that my children are 15 and 21 have to do with how to know how much independence they need and when they need it. Or, in other words how to let go and how to continue to give the kind of support they need as they grow up. I don't really have questions about their spirituality but I do believe that children start out with very strong feelings of what is fair and ethical.
Sharon DeVivo Dobbs Ferry, NY Episcopal	So far (my children are seven and five), the most difficult aspect of raising children and tackling issues of spirituality has been my husband and I not being able to agree on everything from the church we attend (Episcopal or Roman Catholic), to how we model Christian values in our home. Right now, I am handling most of those decisions, but it does create a more "one-sided" view for our children. That said, we go to church every week (a place that they helped to choose), say prayers at dinner and bedtime, but I am searching for more meaningful ways to make their faith relevant on a daily basis. How can I impart to my children the importance of pursuing a relationship with the Lord without forcing them? What I don't want to happen is that I push the issue and they run the other way?
N. Deonne Brady St. Paul, MN Roman Catholic	I am a single mom, will be 50 this year, and have a 15 and 10 year old from a previous marriage. My children travel week to week between their father's and my own home. Raised Baptist, by age 12 I was disillusioned with the "born again" philosophy. After exploring two Buddhist faiths, "new ageism" and years and years away from any organized religion, I began to attend Christian churches recommended to me by friends as being a good fit for me, ignoring the particular denominations of the churches. I found an extremely liberal Roman Catholic church whose member's beliefs meshed with my own and where my interracial children and I felt welcomed. I converted to join this parish, both children chose to receive First Communion, one child will probably choose confirmation while the other won't. I permit my children to explore their own spirituality, yet they know that when they are not at their dad's that the expectation is that they will attend Mass with me. I permit them to attend church occasionally with their Baptist grandparents, but make it clear to both children and grandparents that I do not agree with the Baptist beliefs. I think the key is to find a faith community that you yourself can embrace, take your children with you, but do not attempt to control their own spiritual journey. Attend the group's activities, but moreso, live the faith daily. Children will want to please their elders, but will also need to do their own exploring without being forced to embrace your faith. The expectation can be that the child attend the faith's events with you as well their own age group's events, yet the parent needs to remain ever open to discussion and exploration of the child's spiritual questions and inklings. Encourage the child to find their own path to God, model your path, and trust that because their are many paths, your child will find the one that best suits them. You can't force another to embrace your own beliefs. All you can do is live your beliefs, be honest with your child about the route you have taken to arrive at the place you are now, and offer up the example of your life to your offspring. I'd like to know why other folks think it so hard? We can't control anyone other than ourselves, we can't force our children to share our own specific beliefs, spirituality is a very personal experience between ourselves and God. As we are all different individuals, so do we each interpret God and the worship of God as we each see God. Even among the same faith, no two people will see everything eye to eye. If we are created in God's image, and we are all so very unique, doesn't it stand to reason that we each will see and hear God's messages to us uniquely?
Liza Pryor St. Paul, MN I was raised Catholic, although I never really believed. And that's still the faith I feel closest to, even though I still don't believe. But I miss the tradition and the ritual marking of the passage of time and being part of a community that has structures established to help others.	I was raised as a secular Catholic, in the same sense that some people are secular Jews. Older relatives are believers. My parents are not, necessarily, although they did have a Catholic wedding, baptized me and my three brothers, and made us all attend Mass and CCD every Sunday until we were in our teens. But I think a lot of it was about understanding others' faith. They wanted us to be grounded in one tradition so that we could understand the traditions of other people. And we attended a very liberal Catholic church (the former home of Mitch Snyder) and had our religious education tended to by Jesuits, who were interested in fostering our active questioning about the world and faith and the Church. (In 5th grade CCD I was given a Bible and a map of the Middle East. Over that year, we talked about all the groups of people in the New Testament and where they lived and what their conflicts were. And it all related beautifully to current events. It was the best religious education I ever had.) So I want the same thing for my girls. I can't compel their faith in any case, but especially since I'm lacking it myself. But I think that they should understand the faith of their great grandparents, and the holidays we celebrate, and have some experience from which to approach other people's religious traditions. But I also haven't found a spiritual home in Minnesota, a church that speaks to me. I'm looking for a smart place, with homilies that make me examine myself and the world around me. I'm looking for a place that's welcoming to all people, has good music, and a commitment to social justice and opportunities for both children and adults to serve others. Until I find that place, I fear that my girls and I will just be spiritual tourists, constantly asking others for recommendations about where to go, and trying out different churches on high holidays. My oldest is threee. Her daycare provider is Catholic, and many of the older children attend Catholic schools. So she hears the central stories of the Catholic faith. And her understanding is funny. For instance, at Easter, the greeter at the door gave her a box of crayons and a few coloring book pages with scenes from the Easter story. On one page, Mary stood before the tomb, with the rock rolled away, crying. Phoebe asked me, "Why does she cry?" I said, "Well, Jesus died. You know how your NonaNona [great grandmother] died last year? And Kodi [our dog] died? Well, Jesus died. And Mary went to take care of him, and she couldn't find him, and she misses her friend. She's worried, and she's sad." Phoebe thought about that, and then said, "But, Mama, Jesus is a baby!" And that's when it hit me: we hadn't been in a Church since Christmas, when Jesus was, indeed, a baby. My point is, I guess, that there's more to the story that lends meaning to so many people's lives than just the most dramatic moments, and unless I can find another way to ground her in that tradition (or another one), she's missing all that nuance. Kind of all the good stuff, you know? All the bits and pieces that mirror the complexities of real life. I find that my circle of friend is overwhelmingly secular. It's sometimes even uncomfortable to talk about my search for a church that feels like home. And I certainly don't have a close relationship with, say, a priest, so I don't have an authority on Church matters to talk about things with. And that's the part I miss: the talking and questioning and really thinking about how a 2000-year-old story is still relevant and applicable. And how being part of a community of belief can really magnify your ability to make a difference in the world.
Kerry Grogan Kirkland, WA Christian Church (Disciples of Christ)	In spite of the fact that my husband and I are both ordained ministers, we have always tried to allow our children their own space and freedom in exploring faith. This has been a challenge because as ministers' kids, they have spent a lot of time at church and church related functions. As they have moved into their teen years my hope is that the foundation of faith is there, and even though they may express boredom with Sunday morning worship, or resentment at being dragged to yet another church function, the seeds are planted for faith to take root in their lives. I believe many young people today are hungry for a spiritual center, or base, and many parents think just sending their kids to youth group or Sunday School is providing what they need. Kids, just as adults need to know how faith affects and shapes their lives. Unfortunately so many of the resources out there for parents/families regarding spirituality and faith are from a religiously and politically conservative view point. I would be interested to know what resources are out there that are liberal/progressive and faith based.
Richard Bruxvoort Colligan Strawberry Point, IA Protestant	My wife and I see parenthood as a path of spiritual practice. Day to day, our four-year-old brings us endless opportunities for surrender, for trust, for healthy risking, and for faith. My wife is a spiritual director and I am a liturgist, so we work in the context of spiritual life every day. Our minds are sometimes bewildered by how a young person must process ideas of God. In the midst of our concerns — what tradition should we offer him as his starting place, how can we teach him a theology he won't later in life be in therapy to recover from — he has moments of such clarity. What a great gift to his parents and to the world. We have chosen what some would name "alternative" ways of parenting. Our son was born at home in a big water tank with the guidance of a midwife and doula. We vaccinated him later than most. My wife did extended breast feeding with him. We made his baby food ourselves from organic ingredients. Sheesh, we sound like fanatics. Really, it just felt like the natural way to do things. Turns out a lot of those choices are counter-cultural. "The Worm Funeral" Our son has an idea about death. He has been to a human funeral, he has found dead birds, a dead mouse. we lost our beloved gray kitty. All these were moments of curiosity for him. He saw a dead worm on the pavement last week after the rain and reported to me that its body would be "going back to the earth". "Just like everything does, Dad." He is accustomed to making "smoke prayers" with a candle and incense just like his mama does. For bedtime prayers, we often use the St. Ignatius Examen with him: "what was your favorite thing about today? What was the worst thing about today?" Our hope is to teach him to be attentive to his thoughts and feelings, and keep some perspective in the long haul of life. "Parenting as World-Making" Designing worship is about enacting cosmology and building a vision for the world and wrestling with our place in it. When we do worship, we are making a world, full of the mythos and hopes and discrepancies that embody real life. I see parenting that way. With parenting, we build a world. Our son's life is being shaped by the ways we teach him about reality, from a a particular point of view, (two, really) with biases and blind spots like everyone has. (Not that we are in complete charge of his Product as a human being. The nature element is strong as well as the nurture.) As we raise him, we are committed to his life with the same passion we enact our spiritual beliefs. For example: My wife and I are straight, but Sammy knows our gay and lesbian friends, and is confident in their friendship in our family. He knows people have different colored skin and speak different languages, and he knows them all to be beautiful and fascinating. He is learning to use the internet to connect with his entire world because he is a citizen of the whole world, not just a particular culture. Standing in front of an old, old photo of firemen and their truck, he noticed there were no women. I said, "Sammy, you won't believe this, but a long time ago, some people thought that men were more important than women. So women weren't invited to do jobs like that. Isn't that weird?" These would be moments of prayer and our wishes for the whole world. "Parenting as Prayer" Our greatest hopes for our son are the same as for the world: That he see himself as an important part of the world, able to make choices, free to take care for the planet and everything in it. That he celebrate diversity, seeing every person as valuable, significantly gifted, and having needs just like he does. He makes mistakes and is responsible for his actions. There is the hope of forgiveness for just about anything. Egad. At this moment, I may be turning into Robert Fulghum. "PO-MO Parenting" Parenting is also not just Us teaching HIM. Like the post-modern culture that has "prosumers" being both producers and consumers of the culture, our parenting is directly shaped by our son's personality and interests. Interactive, if you will. We recognize that he has a voice, a personality and a way in the world that can influence us, just like the rest of our dear friends to who we share our hearts. Like any parent, if we are paying attention, our children have wisdom for us. So we consider our son a Zen Master, a great Rabbi, and a passionate artist. He daily surprises us with profoundly elemental teachings about forgiveness, friendship, creativity, trust, compassion. As well as, you know, new words from the playground.
Richard Adams Chicago, IL Episcopalian	My eighteen-year-old daughter was confirmed into the Episcopal Church this morning. This ceremony marks beginnings, of course, but it also is a huge milestone on the path she and I have taken over the last six years or so. As a child of twelve and nascent feminist, she had discovered Wicca, and explored goddess worship, the nature-based spirituality of modern paganism. As a younger child, she had had significant moments of inspiration through music and liturgy, even at one point having a vision of the risen Christ after an Easter Vigil service at our church. When she tried to convey the urgency of this vision to a young clergywoman we had in our parish, instead of having this spiritual adventure met with affirmation and acceptance, she was treated as one seeking attention. It drove her away, and the excursion into Wicca was the result. I was perplexed by that departure from our family's norms and traditions, but read about Wicca and her beliefs and discussed them with her, accepting it from her, exploring some dimensions of feminism finding root in Christianity, and honoring her as a bright young person who was no less my daughter for not being my co-religionist. I am active in my church as a musician. I am a lay eucharistic minister, and serve my parish as coordinator of acolytes. Despite the fact that my daughter wasn't interested in attending church with me, I went for myself, and we continued to have discussions. In some of these, I presented to her my understanding not of religion but of spirituality, which I take to be the relational component of lived experience, my relationships with my loved ones, the world at large, God, and myself, and expressed my strong belief that God doesn't really care which door we use to enter into our experience of the divine, as long as we seek, find and use SOME door. All the while, of course, continuing my life of worship and exploration in the Christian framework that is mine by birth and affinity. There was a time, too, when family conflict and divorce created significant depression that ravaged her life, bringing with it hospitalization and unbelievable stress. She saw me deal with this in her in my Christian way — through prayer, sacramental transformation and a continuing faithfulness to my own path. And, too, I encouraged her to develop significant forms of expression in her music and art, which have born much fruit for her. She has told me that she took my steadfast love for her as a token of divine presence in her life, and this led her back, bit by bit, to the fellowship of her contemporaries in our parish, back to a relationship with and dependence on Christ in her life and thence, today, to confirmation. And you are quite right: this provides me with significant fulfillment and satisfaction that this resource will be available to her so long as she continues to seek it.
Barb McRae Ann Arbor, MI Presbyterian	I am a 49 year old female liberal Presbyterian minister who was raised very Roman Catholic in then recently entered Vatican II era. I had mystical experiences as a child and have been drawn to spirituality, an inner life of faith, most of my life. My husband is a former Presbyterian who had to have a sit-down strike in his bedroom before his parents relented and allowed him to refrain from being confirmed. When he gathers with a spiritual community, he attends Friends Meeting. Our 6 year old daughter is growing up in this post-modern world of diversity in all things. Our parents' models of addressing spirituality do not work for us and it's difficult to find community with like-minded parents who support a similar vision. Our busy lives and our diverse views as a couple, at times, make it difficult to live our visions and nurture our daughter in her faith. However, our daughter has a healthy sense of God's presence in her life, she prays, she likes many of the intermittent rituals we do at home such as lighting candles, reading stories, holding family worship in front of our fireplace, saying grace. She asks direct questions: why are there bad things in the world, why couldn't God fix her Grandma and send her back to earth after she died, is she a Christian. Listening and staying emotionally and physically close to her, sharing my own views and patterns of nurturing my spiritual life, gardening with her, allowing her to participate in church services and the Lord's Supper as she wants, reading faith stories, letting her light candles and say her own words of worship and prayer, are ways I relate to her and her spiritual life. Her dad engages her in talking about his own avenue to spirituality, science, and responds to her questions of faith with his own views of being open to the mystery and wonder of things. His unresolved issues with the institutional church make it hard for him to connect her to a larger community of faith but he supports the ways that I make those connections for her. Being a 'clergymom' has added its own challenge because I have worked in some challenging church settings that I did not feel comfortable bringing her into. I'm now beginning a new position that I chose because I can bring my daughter with me. I will work directly with the Christian Education programs and so can nurture my daughter within those programs that I will oversee. The times I spent with my own mother in the church pew were foundational to my faith and spirituality. Watching mom pray the rosary and talk to saints, attending mass and special services with her like Good Friday with all the rituals of kissing the cross, incense and candles, and stations of the cross were so concrete, physical, wonderful for me as a child. I wish there could be some of that for my daughter but Presbyterians are still a bit new to this spirituality thing. And being a clergymom, I can't always sit in the pew with her. How do I encourage her in relating to God? How do I not get in the way? What rituals and experiences can I provide? What words do I use at each age? Because I feel so strongly about my own faith life, I fear being an overbearing presence about church like my mom was at times for me. Yet, in reality, I tread very lightly, maybe too lightly when I could be more of a resource to her. And there are many things from my childhood faith as well as my adult faith that were and are enriching to me that I would like to pass on to her. I'm a professional in this area and it is difficult for me to walk the path with her! I do not want to force her into any dogma but do want to give her some structure (scripture, spiritual disciplines, community life, music and art, an understanding of service and stewardship, peace and justice) to internalize that she can use to give her life purpose and meaning and solace and joy throughout her life. I would like to find like-minded parents to share the road with. I would like to see workshops that address these issues of parental and childhood spirituality (versus strictly institutional church participation). Heck, I'm probably going to be developing some workshops in my new position but I want something for me and my husband that's separate from my professional life. I had such a journey with my own mother who went from feeling like I stabbed her in the heart when I told her I was changing from Roman Catholicism to the Presbyterian faith, to 15 years later, her reading Scripture at my ordination and presenting me with a hand-made stole during the service. I want my faith journey with my daughter to be a little less fraught with angst, if that's possible, and filled with some intimacy, shared experiences, and respect for each other's path.
Lynn Harden New York, NY Protestant	Greetings, Note that I work for Faith & Values Media, so I'm not sure if my response is appropriate, but I was so taken with the topic I couldn't help but respond. I do not have children, though I am certainly old enough to be a grandparent. I do have strong relationship with my niece, who was such a joy as a child… she still is. Jeni touched me in a special way, always, but the most special was on two occasions. One was at a swimming pool. She couldn't swim at the time and must have been about five years old. I remember her holding on to me and looking at me with absolute, total trust that I would not let her drown. It may seem like a small thing, but I was moved to tears that day when I realized God requires us to care for one another. Not just metaphorically, but literally. And that God requires us to trust one another… to know that we are absolutely safe. Being a parent is a bit like being God to the children we parent. For us, it's an opportunity to see and feel the simplistic relationship we can have with God directly as we experience our relationship with our children. I will NEVER forget the trust I saw in Jeni's eyes and the joyful freedom it gave her. We should all be able to feel such freedom and worth everyday. When children grow up in environments that foster these feelings, irrespective of economics, race, nationality, or faith, we help develop children who become gods to others.
Eileen Flanagan Philadelphia, PA Religious Society of Friends (Quakers)	When my husband and I first decided to give up using birth control, I had a strong sense that I was giving up control in a spiritual sense, too, by opening myself to a mystery that I couldn't plan or predict. My journey as a mother since has been one of continually having to let go of my agenda, whether that means waiting when a pregnancy goes past term, losing sleep to nurse a baby, or giving up work time when a school child gets pink eye. Such little sacrifices have radically changed my attitude about religious practices like fasting during Lent or Ramadan. As a Quaker married to a Roman Catholic, I hadn't quite understood how giving up something like chocolate was going to bring me closer to God, but during the Lent when both my children were toddlers, I came to realize how ungracious I was about giving up sleep and privacy. I started to see the mundane sacrifices of motherhood as spiritual opportunities to learn more about letting go, generosity, and self-discipline. Especially as a Quaker committed to non-violence, I was horrified to face my own violent impulses when my daughter bit her infant brother or when he (two years later) smeared blue toothpaste into the beige carpet. After nine years as a mother, I'm still not always gracious or peaceful, but seeing parenthood as a spiritual path has helped me to transform my daily challenges into meaningful experiences that ultimately bring me closer to the Divine, from whom I so clearly need assistance.
Tierney Sutton Los Angeles, CA The Baha'i Faith	The primary spiritual question for me as a parent, is how to offer my son sincerely felt spirituality in an environment that is not exclusive and not intolerant. Also, how to adequately prepare him for a multi-faith world. My family is multi-faith. My husband is Jewish and I am a Baha'i. Several years ago I and another mother in an inter-faith marriage started a multi-faith sunday school. We have about 10 families now involved and the parents are of a variety of faiths: Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist, Catholic, Protestant, Baha'i, and agnostic. It has been a wonderful success and the children learn reverently the traditions of the world's religions as well as study of their holy writings. We've based our program on virtues. That is, we settle on a virtue, "truthfulness", for example, and then see what the texts and traditions of the world's religions say about that virtue. That way, we have been able to avoid controversy and focus on the unity and agreement of these traditions.
Christy Davis Knoxville, TN Christianity-Episcopal	Raised as a Baptist, I started to pull away from that faith when I began to realize the limitations it placed on me. I explored a variety of religions — everything from Judaism to paganism — and came back to Christianity because it feels right for me. What I struggle with is how to give my 7-year-old son and 3-year-old daughter the freedom to find their own path to God and to true spirituality as opposed to parental-forced religion. While both my children enjoy the social aspect of "church" and have asked the usual questions about God, I want them to find the peace I've found and have no idea how to encourage that. How can I help my children find their own questions about God so they can find their path to true spirituality?
Neil Malley Anaheim, CA Taoist	When my kids were younger I was more focused on imparting my spiritual tradition, Taoism, to them. We'd have some ceremonies, read from the Tao Te Ching, meditate or do some simple Chi Gong. It became obvious to me very quickly that they weren't "into it". So gradually I stopped forcing them and just tried to be a good example without formally teaching them anything. I came to realize that they needed to find their own way which may be different than mine. They have their own souls and shouldn't have to follow in my footsteps. This was very liberating for all of us. Now that they're older, they've turned out to be great human beings with mature and balanced personalities. I don't think I could ask for more than that.
Jean Sando Moorhead, MN Methodist (Episcopalian)	We are trying to raise our son, who has autism, in a Christian tradition and struggling with ways to help him understand God when we know we ourselves do not understand God. Besides all the questions we struggle with as parents of a child with a disability (the "why did God let this happen" questions), we struggle to know how to help our son build a relationship with a church and God when he has a hard time building relationships with other first-graders! We have changed churches to better meet our son's needs, going to a smaller church from a very large church so that people would know him and know he's disabled (he looks completely normal) so they wouldn't frown at his disruptive behavior in services. People who didn't know him seemed to think he was very naughty. It was very disappointing to be in church and not find acceptance for him easily. And there still are the questions I have as a parent about why our son is autistic. There is anger at God that is difficult to deal with and also a need for strength and comfort that is hard to come by. I often say I knew all about parenting, then I had children. The same is true of my faith, I knew all about faith and God, and then my son was diagnosed. Now I know neither how to reclaim my faith nor develop our son's. Our son lacks a "theory of mind." If he knows something, then everyone around him must know it. He frequently "shows" things to his grandparents on the phone and is puzzled at why they can't tell him what he sees. If he sees it, they must. If he does not see it, it does not exist. He cannot think abstractly. So how to we help such a child understand God? Children are more limited than adults in abstract concepts and he is more limited than other children. Things are "real" or "pretend" to him. Allegory does not exist. If we were from a faith tradition that interpreted scripture as "fact" we might be able to present the Bible as fact to him. But we're university professors who believe in the allegorical and interpreted truth of scripture. And there are even more practical matters of church attendance. He cannot always be quiet in church. He looks and seems very normal, so his behavior (restlessness, talking) seems naughty, but he just can't help it. How do we help our autistic child know God?
Barbara Burch Arlington, VA Raised Catholic; believer in a blend of many faiths	My three and a half year old granddaughter is suddenly focused on death and dying. The family recently lost a beloved dog, and Ella understands that Dillon (the dog) died, but not what that means. While I am not a practicing Christian, I am a believer in a Higher Being, a Power that guides us. I also believe that we will return to this earthly plane many times for the variety of experiences we need to become one with the Higher Being. My son and daughter-in-law don't follow any particular faith; my son eschews belief in any kind of Higher Being. Yet I feel that his child — my granddaughter — needs to be provided with a grounding in a belief system — that her life will be lesser for not having been given some sort of faith in something greater than mankind.
Joy Stoleson Hampton, MN Catholic	How do you participate in any faith (in my case, Catholic), without feeling like a hypocrite, when you don't agree with some pretty significant issues? And how do you teach your child in this context? My husband is a non practicing Lutheran, and I am a practicing Catholic. He does not participate at all in spiritual matters, whereas I attend Church, pray with my daughter before bed, all things spiritual. This has never really been hard for me, as I was raised in a family where my Mother never attended church, but my Father took us EVERY Sunday. I grew up thinking it was normal that one parent did not engage. It has become harder though, because my daughter is now 4, and at an age where she has many questions. I recently lost my Mom unexpectedly, and now find myself immersed in discussions about heaven, life and death. I want to give my daughter a good moral footing, and also the sense of community that I had through church when I was small. But the thing that is very different, is my questioning of doctrine, that I don't think my Dad ever had. I don't agree with the Catholic church about a few major issues, but feel that it's also not good to go searching for a custom-fit religion.